Written and edited over the course of 7 months. Completed on December 31st, 2020.
Dear Dan,
Time is truly the best healer. I didn’t believe that when people first told me, but time has granted me the opportunity to deeply reflect on our previous relationship and myself as an individual, so this is my way of finding closure.
You’re on my mind more than I like. There are so many reminders that surround me of the person I once knew. Even now your name is on the tip of my tongue. I dream about you quite often where we reconcile in my head. My soul, heart, and mind feel at peace for a moment before I wake up and reality sets in again. A piece of me left with you and I’m still trying to figure out how to fill the space.
There’s a bag of stuff you gave me sitting in my closet. For some reason, I can’t find it in my heart to throw it out yet almost a year later. I occasionally reread the letter you wrote me, that sits in the box you gifted me with the petals of the first bouquet you gave me, and cry. It’s bittersweet to witness the tangible naivety and infatuation that accompanies first loves. I romanticize the good parts and rationalize with the not so good parts.
A few months into our relationship, we discussed who was going to be the one to mess it up. We individually predicted ourselves. We were doomed from the start and we both ended up being right.
We rushed our relationship. Being that it was both our first relationship, it seemed like we wanted to experience the intensity and magic of love that other people have and that is plastered across social media. We didn’t take the time to get to know each other because by the time the truth of who we really are came to light, we were no longer compatible.
I have spent too much time feeling guilty for the part that I played, but how can I allow myself to be overwhelmed by guilt when I tried my best? I have come to the realization that I can only do so much for another person. If that person does not have the self determination, then I am powerless in trying to make them move.
Our own flaws and insecurities brought out toxic traits in each other. I lost myself in loving you. I was emotionally burnt out in addition to being physically burnt out from overworking and trying to hold everything together. I gave up on my passions and overall became unrecognizable to myself.
Regardless of everything, thank you for all of the good memories. Thank you for being my first love. Thank you for teaching me what I want and need in a relationship. Now I am continuing to regain my self awareness and confidence. I am working towards completely forgiving the both of us. I am learning how to move on from the past while relearning how to trust myself. I am healing.
My life is beautifully falling into place with all of the amazing opportunities being granted to me. I am redefining who I am and who I am becoming without you.
In the meantime, I hope you find someone who can love you in all of the ways that you need.
I am rooting for your success and happiness - always.
Becca
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