Happy Birthday to the best Mommy in the world! Here's everything I wish I could tell you right now.
Dear Mom,
Three and a half months feels like an eternity.
Existing without you has shown me how little I know about the world and how unprepared I feel for the rest of my life.
I look at your picture as my phone screensaver and I am reminded that I will never see you again in this lifetime. I can’t fathom how I’m supposed to be without you. I know that I am so loved, but I have never felt more alone.
My dreams of you are so vivid that they obscure my reality when I wake up. While still in a groggy haze, I tell myself the truth. What a sad thing to have to do.
It hurts to think, so I just don’t. I’m busier than ever, running around to fill the empty space. I am absolutely exhausted - mind, body, and soul. Yet, when I get a second to breathe, I am overwhelmed by sadness. Grief has a way of creeping up and reminding me of the gravity of my loss even when I don't want to think about it. My heart breaks all over again. No other heartbreak will surmount this.
There are moments when I need my mom, but you are no longer just a phone call away. There are so many menial things I want to tell you about from boys to sorority drama to my work at school. It's the littlest moments when I miss you most. People will say that you're experiencing it all with me, but we all know it's not the same.
I’m angrier than I would like to admit. If life was fair, we would be together forever in every lifetime. It seems as though that even what is for me is not mine to keep.
I started a peer support group last week. I was with one other woman in the young adult group. She said a quote that sums it all up: “My mom taught me everything except how to live without her.”
All that I do and all that I am is because of you.
I love you always and forever because you are my dear one.
Love always,
Becca, Becca-Boo, Boo, Boo Bear, Peaches & Peaches n’ Cream
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