A reflection and piece of closure on my second relationship.
Relief.
That’s how I felt after breaking up with my boyfriend earlier today. Somehow I mustered up the courage and let the words flow out of my mouth after weeks of letting the negativity stew and rot inside me.
I’m proud of myself. I didn’t think I had it in me. Initially, I viewed ending relationships a lot like giving up easily. I never want someone to feel like I’m giving up on them because, conversely, I wouldn’t want that, but I did try and try and try to the point where I became exhausted of doing so. My attempts weren’t matched and my concerns weren’t heard. I asked myself multiple times: To what extent is a relationship based on natural compatibility versus pouring effort into it with no reciprocation? Relationships are a lot of work, but it shouldn’t have felt that difficult.
Dating in general is rough but especially at this age for a variety of reasons. One being that I repeatedly encounter boys who won’t go to therapy, do not prioritize their mental health, and refuse to achieve emotional maturity. It makes me think about the greater social context and the restraining expectations we place on men and it makes me angry. I know I’m mature for my age. That in part comes from being self aware and putting in the work to understand myself mentally and emotionally. I no longer have time for people who aren’t willing to do the same.
Every person who comes into our lives teaches us a lesson. I’ve proven to myself that I have the capability to advocate for my needs in a relationship. I’m proud of myself because that hasn’t always been an easy task. It’s not too much to ask your significant other to be a better partner, support you, and meet you where you are.
Additionally, this relationship has shown me the importance of boundaries and the insignificance of people who do not respect them. I will work to honor my own boundaries in the future.
At times I felt like I was being isolated. I’ve come to learn that there’s no difference between being single and feeling lonely in a relationship. Moreover, a relationship does not have to end catastrophically. Two individuals can be good people but not compatible and that’s ok. A split can be amicable.
Also, I need to trust myself. Sometimes intuition and my body speak louder than the voice in my head or heart.
I’ve noticed a pattern in the type of boys that I attract and it makes me question how I portray myself and what type of energy I’m putting out into the universe. I am determined to break the cycle.
I’m so grateful to my family and friends who stuck by my side during these past five months and rode the roller coaster with me. I had multiple people tell me that I deserve better and I’m finally starting to believe it.
Comments